Apart

Yesterday I glimpsed a moment from my future.  

My daughter and her team had just lost the semi-final game of their softball tournament, and before we started out for the one-hour drive home, she and I stopped for a cold drink. I had to smile as her 5-foot-1-inch frame disappeared through the doors of the convenience store, sweaty and covered with dirt from a stolen base.

While I waited for her I killed time reading texts, checking voicemail, previewing the weather, cleaning out my bag.  Still no Sam. I watched as three people exited, feeling disappointment each time I didn’t see her. I was anxious to get on the road. And then it hit me.

My daughter and I are on the cusp of something completely foreign to us and to what we know as a family. 

For just shy of eighteen years, any separation we’ve experienced has not been for more than a couple of days. And when we are apart, she is a stone’s throw away. Any long distance trips we have made by car or plane have been together, and now more so in this moment that any other, I was grateful for never having to learn to deal with true separation.

But the reality of the future came crashing in on me as I pictured where we might be in just a few months, post graduation. Perched upright now in the driver’s seat, eyes peeled on the front door, I played a game with myself.  I pretended I hadn’t seen her for weeks. I imagined a variety of scenarios that could likely happen in the next chapter of our lives.  Most painful, I envisioned she was returning for a visit from college or coming home from boot camp, and I was waiting for her to walk through those doors to come home to me.  The idea of either scenario thrilled me as I simultaneously broke into a cold sweat.

The thought that someday this was what the future held for me, for us, took my breath away. It’s inevitability causes my heart to ache with its bitter-sweetness. The sweet being her future, wide open and loaded with possibilities.  Knowing who she is and what she’s capable of feeds my prediction that good things are about to happen for her. But the bitter is knowing that our time together, as we know it as mother and child, is almost at its end.

When I saw her finally come through those glass doors with her drink, I felt it. I practiced feeling what I will feel to see her after an absence for the rest of my life once she leaves me. When her need for me in my current role comes to its natural end and becomes something else. I practiced seeing her as if she were returning to me, and in this fantasy I conjured, the mere sight of her filled my heart to the bursting point with such intense love and lightness.

I wonder how I will not come apart when we’re apart?  Apart. What an ugly word.

But I didn’t want to dwell on that thought, so I chastised myself with a swift reminder that I gave birth to her to give her life, a future. I raised her to go out into the world, to be happy and successful.  Or at least I hope I have.

And the inevitable hasn’t happened yet. I have time to enjoy her almost constant company a little longer. She probably doesn’t think so, but I still have so many things to teach her.

I have months with her until she leaves me, or doesn’t after all. The date of our separation will be determined when her plans are set. And when it’s needed, I’ll help her cope with the goodbyes.

I know about goodbyes.  Sixteen years ago this very week, my husband and I packed up our belongings and daughter for a new start, the second time I left home for new adventures.  And my entire family and I now experience being truly apart. Twenty-three hundred miles across the country may as well be twenty-three million.  It’s meant learning to stay connected despite distance and appreciating every precious moment we do have together.

My daughter’s day to pack may be sooner than I’d like to acknowledge. But with a little luck and a lot of love, we’ll never feel apart, but “a part” of each others lives. Always.

Back to School Blues

The title of this article caught my eye When 'Super Mom' is super sad: Pressures haunt new parents, because I have been feeling like a poor imitation of a parent this week. Super-mom is not a title I’ve ever earned, but then again, I’ve never really aspired to be anything other than a good mom, which is lofty in itself.

School has been back in session for only four days, and I’m feeling defeated. And may I say, THANK YOU Facebook (and you too other social media that I refuse to participate in for now, ‘cause I know it’s more of the same), for never failing to make me feel inadequate.  Most recently, is the back to school debacle.  How have I failed thee?  Let me count the ways:

TAKING BACK TO SCHOOL PICS – I have none!  I took time off work to drop the kids off at school, and have nothing to show for it.  Isn’t that the point of being present?  To get the shot?  Where is my picture, my proof that my kids went back to school.  For my daughter the senior, I’m pretty sure she could care less and took care of it herself with a selfie.  But my son’s first day as a Freshman is undocumented!  I was so in the moment, so excited for him, with him, that I forgot to take the friggin picture!  Now by NOT posting on FB, I raise only questions:  Haven’t her kids gone back yet? Or (condescendingly) did she forget to capture this momentous event, one that will never be repeated? Fail.

PICKING UP SCHOOL SUPPLIES – Did we take care of it all?  I’ve asked, I’ve waited for notes, for lists, but besides a panicked request from my son to shop at 9:00 pm the day before he needed a variety of highlighters for first period, I just don’t know.  I’ve asked my girl when she needs to have her medical stuff updated for her internship at the hospital, and I get answers like Whenever or Soon. You know “whenever” will turn into “today” when she gets a good reason to get it done. I feel like a goalie, suited up, in ready stance, tensed for action, anxious for the moment the ball comes my way.  How long will I have to stay in this position, I just don’t know. I’m ready, people. Give me your demands now!  By the way, how do two stores sell out of college width ruled paper?  The second must-have, and I couldn’t deliver.  Fail.

CONNECTING TO THE  PARENT PORTAL – I did manage that for both kids in the end, but the time it took to attempt to connect one of the accounts remotely I’ll never get back.  There I was in Chicago, on-line, plugging in access codes and passwords I got from a live person at the school, and nothing worked!  I tried different combinations, different ways of entry. It wasn’t working. Not my password, not my son’s. When I promised him I was trying, I just got the look that said, Mom, you poor, digitally-challenged individual. You must be doing something wrong. Days later, when we got home, I verified the info. With no change to the process or the passwords, would you believe it worked for me?  It worked!  I should have celebrated.  But I was so pissed that it hadn't worked and I wasted so much time trying, I threw a fit. Mom is definitely menopausal.  Fail.

SIGNING AGREEMENTS TO WORK COLLABORATIVELY – What?  I’ve had to sign two agreements now from my son’s teachers.  Yesterday by signing, I agreed that I’ve read an eleven-page contract, including language about grading, make-ups and chain of command (wtf?).  So why do I feel bad?  Because I haven’t read it, probably never will read it, and yet I signed a document attesting to the fact that I'm a responsible, caring, involved parent who of course is interested to know what to expect from the class and teacher.  Fail.

ACQUIRING INFO ABOUT THE NEW CLASSES, TEACHERS AND CURRICULUM -

I’ll just say Fail right here!  No matter how I ask the question, I get the same response to “How was school?” --  It was fine.  Sometimes it's good.  Yes, mostly good.  Oh, but I did get some info the first day!  With the novelty and excitement, my kids must have forgotten to clam up, and actually shared with me and the hubby.  But the glimpse I got into their scholastic world is all I have to hold onto now.  I wait patiently for more tidbits to be carelessly dropped, so I can snatch them up like a rat. Fail!

This is only the beginning of the year, so it's bound to get worse before it gets better.  The next challenge is to remember the two back-to-school nights.  Maybe I won’t blow those dates... What are they again?

Checking In

I know, I've been absent for a while. Blame it on the kids' ball schedules, proms, a birthday, a graduation, a camping trip to the beach. Did I say ball? Practices, doubleheaders, season wrap-up, tournament of champs and weekend tourneys! Family also visited from out of town, and we managed to squeeze two weeks worth of activities into five days! 

And of course, there were the ten Labrador pups, born to Ms. Molly Marie on April 18^th. 

Whoops, wrong litter pictured here, but you get the idea.

It’s been another wild and extremely special experience for my family, and I thought I would share everything digitally.  Like the birth, the first time they opened their eyes, their first gruel meal, a swim in the baby pool or those action shots that would warm the Grinch's cold heart. But it began to feel too personal, and I decided not to share it all.

We marvel over the fact that eight weeks came and went like the blink of an eye. As quickly as they arrived, the pups left with their new owners.  We're left with our sad yard, dug-up herb garden, torn up lawn furniture, and chewed slippers, shoes, throw rugs, buckets, etc. All worth it to spend  with them their very first eight weeks of life.
 

  

And then there’s Brodie! The Brodmeister is almost three months now, a high-energy, fearless addition to our family. Yep, we broke with the tradition of all black animals when we decided to keep him. Now we’ll have white animal hair all over the house mixed in with the black. What’s a little more hair? More chewed shoes? Double the demand for our attention?

29 days old, before teeth, a deafening bark and alpha attitude!

Brodie "Lights Out" living up to his name???

Apollo still lives with us while his new owners vacation.   Less than two more weeks of his howling, whining, peeing, destroying. He is a handful, but oh so cute! All he has to do is look straight into your eyes, cock his head to the side, and he's forgiven. His new family should fall instantly in love.

Apollo, being his usual adorable self

Must go now. That noise in the kitchen means the boys are either just fighting over a rawhide or they got into the recyclables again. I find myself saying “no” as often as I long to take a catnap!   (Speaking of which, now I know why I've had cats most of my life!)

The pups first swim -- naturals!

 

Why Friday is Our Favorite Day of the Week

My son returned home last night with two of his friends, at the same time my daughter's friends arrived. My daughter brought up the rear as her carpool dropped her off, and the roll call went from zero to seven kids in 15 seconds. The boys rested their long boards along the wall in the entryway, and filed by, while the girls streamed into my daughter's room.

As I greeted them, Boris (I've changed his name) declared how relieved he was being away from the “drunk adults” in his house, shaking his head with bewilderment. Or disgust. Hard to say which. How sad that a teen would want to escape the comforts of his own home to get away from a group of raucous adults, I thought, as I sipped on my second glass of cabernet.

The boys piled into my son's room to begin a marathon of PlayStation3 games. The shoes came off, a window was cracked. They each claimed a spot on the bed or floor, propped up comfortably or hunched in a no-nonsense gaming position. Devices were then pulled out of backpacks and pockets with the fluid motion of a gunslinger drawing his pistol, trigger fingers itchy and anxious. While they waited their turn or for a new PS game to load, they perused YouTube or Instagram, never wasting a moment. They were where they were meant to be this evening. Poised to begin a long night of gaming. The Wifi was pushed to its limits.

While greetings were thrown around my daughter's room, she unloaded her softball equipment and dirty uniform and packed her overnight bag, as they planned their night, simultaneously texting and tweeting. I'm not sure who they're talking to, or at. But their ability to multitask is laudable, and for a moment I wish I could do any combination of two things at the same time. My girl had changed into her usual one-size-too-small jeans and teeny weeny T-shirt, looking ready for her evening. As she shoved the leftover snacks from the afternoon's softball games at me, she apologized for her absence at home. Her Bye-I'll-text-you-when-we-get-there was punctuated by a slam of the front door. We were now left with the roomful of boys intent on killing the enemy.

I was more than content to be on the couch in my yoga pants, with the laptop on my lap (where else), and a glass of good red wine within easy reach. I treated myself to a super-sized pizza -- not for me to eat, but to get out of cooking for who knows how many. My dirty house remained neglected until the next day, when I would hope to have regained my strength. Hubby was just feet away, strewn across his couch trying to stay awake. He had just finished his second cup of hot chocolate, and dozed sporadically. He was looking like this week TKO'd him, or maybe it was because he had started his day with our daughter at 4:15 am.  Or maybe he broke his alcohol fast for Lent, and the cocoa was spiked with a little Fireball.

And so you have it – a typical Friday night. The kids were doing what they love best, on the heels of  a busy school week that included drills, quizzes, tests, homework, special projects and navigating through recess. Then ball practices, hitting sessions, and games lasting an hour to three were added in. Throw in chores around the house and care for the animals, a break-up!, the stress of grades fluctuating, and a citation. Shoot, they need to blow off steam as much as the adults do.

Of course, it's been a long week for the adults, but in significantly different ways. While we've all had a checklist of things we didn't want to have to do, the grown-up responsibilities are, well, just draining. The tasks and meetings at work, the rejection on the phone from potential clients, the deadlines, the accountability, the personalities, the time constraints, the impossible goals. If only the pressure to perform was for just a grade or recognition. For us, it's about generating the almighty dollar, and we can't do that without being on our game. That's exhausting enough.

Then there are the household chores, the grass that's out of control, the tire that needs a patch. Night and day, the cell phones buzz with text, demanding a reply.  Taxes need to be done, but when? A makeup ball game is squeezed in to the already packed schedule. Throw on another load of laundry. Out of milk again! Run to the store, drop off one of the kids, pick up three more, drop them somewhere else. Which animal threw up? Forgot my parking pass, turn around. Pay that bill, transfer funds. What's for dinner tonight? Are uniforms clean for tomorrow? You need money for what? The kitchen sink backed up again. I didn't do it! Did you walk the dog? I thought you watered the garden. I was volunteered for another fundraiser for when​? Coordinate calendars, again. We can make the wedding right after the doubleheader if  we don't shower and the kids can find a way home. OMG! Make it stop!

I think we can agree that we're all tired.  By the time Friday nights arrives, we are ready to celebrate the completion of the week, fall out from the exhaustion of it all, or blow off some steam once we're released from the pressures of a tightly wound week.

Making it to the final day is like crossing a finish line. High fives to all for making it through!

Takeaways

What I Take Away from This Week 3.25.14

Kids' observations are, well, interesting

My son shared a thought with me the other day that I couldn't argue with.  One of his teacher's favorite mantras is "Two wrongs don't make a right."  (Although eye-for-an-eye sounds like a fair method of justice to me).  My thirteen year old informed me, shaking his head, that when Mr. M says this, my son wants to interrupt with, "Then why do two negatives make a positive?"

Random Thoughts

Daylight Saving Time

Whose bright idea is this anyway?

We’re all familiar with the saying, “Spring forward, Fall back,” right? I think most can do the falling back part, which marks the end of Daylight Saving Time (DST) and a return to Standard Time. It’s the easy, painless one of the two. But for the last couple days after "springing ahead" one hour, many of us are in the midst of a DST hangover.

What I Take Away from This Week 3.6.14

Do check out Pinterest

Usually, if everyone is doing it, I'm resistant to it.  Up until a couple of weeks ago, I could say I had never visited the site.  It's one of those crazes that I had refused to be drawn into.  Soooo, following the bullying of a good friend, I broke down and checked it out for myself at www.pinterest.com and bam!